Seo-sucks offers professional Seo optimization and analyzis (sp?)

Let's face it, your website sucks. You probably used the checker on the front page and found out that your web page really bit the big one. You know now that you need some professional help.

We read up on all the latest forums, read e-books, and left thouroghly confused. However, since we have read more than 20 pages of content on seo written by other experts (that probably have read less than us) - we are now experts and need to charge as such.

Our professional seo analysiss (sp?) is top notch. We have two proven SEO experts and 3 small trained dogs (yes all housebroken) that are going to do all this for your website:

• Find the keywords that you will never be able to rank highly with.
• Optimize your pages for the keywords that no one searches for (but you will be in the top 1200 searches when we are through).
• Change the wording on your pages so no one will ever want to come back to your site again.
• Hide ways to mock google and yahoo all through out your website
• Put pictures of your girlfriend in compromising situations on the adult sites to send your site traffic.
• Start a spam compaign to get you noticed.
• Make you sign 9 contracts, that end up meaning you pay us for life no matter the results. (Hey we got to feed those dogs).
• Hide our affiliate links through out your site (those dogs eat a lot).

We have done this service for many others, and they have all taken the time to write us testimonials on our anyalisis (sp?). You know that an unsolicited testemonial is the greatest reward you can be given for working hard at sucking!

Here they are unedited:

From keyword Joe:

"Wow, I am blown away at how long it takes you a$#$holes to answer a simple e-mail. I called but a dog just answered and was slobbering all over the phone (at least I hope it was a dog). I want my money back and the title on my Car!

From Meta-tag Mary:

"Hey you guys did a great job ruining my life. I know I shouldn't have given you my bank information for direct debit. I'm a dog lover so I thought I could trust you. I was so wrong. However, your seo techniques have gotten my site blacklisted and I am now bankrupt. At least I can still visit my site until the web host suspends it for non-payment.

From Sally User:

"I was refered to your service from a friend who I now realize didn't like me anymore. She is still laughing, at least you made her day."

From Eric Gehler:

"I was supposed to be working on everyone elses site while I worked for SEO-SUCKS, but I spent all my time petting the dogs, and drinking root beer. Best damm job I ever had. At least I can mock the Search engines".

From Ed Charkow:

"I was supposed to be working on everyone elses rankings with Eric, but I spent all my time making these pages for him instead. The good news is that my own rankings have dropped just since we registered this domain name and I now have an outlet to bitch and moan about SEO."

Look let's face it you need the kind of professional help we are offering. Just make a small paypal donation of 20000 dollars to our paypal address and we wil hook you up like we did all our other clients.

 

 

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